I’m noticing that the longer I’m back in academia and the more skillful I become at the craft of writing, the more hesitant I am to publish what feel like “incomplete” essays or thoughts here. When I began blogging in the mid-aughts, publishing everyday and sometimes even more than once a day was a liberating thrill; letting the imperfections be a way of “showing my work” felt revolutionary; sharing before I was really ready was a way of ensuring that enough digital material accumulated to allow for the work to compost itself. But the stakes feel different now. I’m older, of course, and ostensibly (hopefully) wiser and kinder, and I’m on a precipice around the related issues of allowing my discovery drafts to exist meaningfully without needing them to be witnessed and the very subtle, pervasive sense of perfectionism that has been sneaking around since I started graduate school. (If it’s been awhile: I’m finishing my first year in a Master of Arts in English program. I’m a graduate assistant and teach college writing.)
I don’t want to react by simply posting everything I’m thinking or working on, the zag to whatever zig I’m experiencing presently. No, I want to be in an ongoing relationship with whatever it is that’s happening in my process and maybe be transparent about that.
With all of this in heart, hi.
What is new in life and practice?
Morning comes delightfully early now. The sky is already light when I awaken. I wake up slowly, usually opening my eyes about a half-hour before I actually want to wake up. Ok, go back to sleep for 20 more minutes. When I open my eyes about that time later, I blink and stare, letting the shapes and colors and light connect with what I remember of these shapes and colors and light from yesterday. Because it is cool, gray and dark here for about half the year, I sometimes worry whether I shouldn’t “waste” any of the sunlight by sleeping in until 5:30 (I know, I’m rolling my own eyes reading this), but I’ve decided it’s not a waste, especially the waking up with the shapes and colors and light.
The poppies are in full bloom. “You can learn a lot of things from the flowers,” if I may quote the animated Alice in Wonderland from 1951— a film that still manages to terrify and delight me like few others— and these poppies teach me so much. They bloom in the ground, where they are planted and nourished. They are quick to drop their petals when picked or rustled too boisterously. These are flowers to be enjoyed on their turf, by the masses rather than in a private vase. As soon as they bloom, the plant itself spreads and splays, as if melting completely to the long-awaited sun. Their cycles are overt, and they don’t hide the dying that is part of living.
It’s been about 9 months since I taught my last public yoga class, and I miss it terribly. I did teach meditation to my writing students over the winter, and I gave a very brief sound bath at a research symposium where I presented (!!!) a few weeks ago, but really I’m ready to experiment with returning to public teaching by offering to guest teach at some of my favorite studios over the summer. If there are places or spaces where you’d like to practice with me, please let me know!
READING + RECOMMENDING
I just read Claudia Rankine’s Citizen: An American Lyric for the first time. It’s powerful! Would love to hear from others who have read it.
I’m ALWAYS reading books by brilliant Asian-American and Pacific Islander writers, especially women. I just bought two new books I’m very excited to read: Dictee, by Theresa Hak Cha and Minor Feelings, by Cathy Park Hong. I’m planning to re-read my favorite book of 2021 as soon as the quarter is over: Yolk, by Mary H.K. Choi.
Thelma & Louise. If you’ve never seen it or if it has been awhile, may I recommend re-watching. I didn’t realize how much this movie has influenced my personal style over the years, especially because I saw it when I was probably too young and didn’t really get it or even like it that much back in the 90s. BUT OH MY GOSH IT IS AMAZING.
LOVE TO ALL+++
Kelly
P.S. Paid subscribers, THANK YOU! What special content (writing prompts, yoga practices, meditations, sound baths, ZOOM meet-ups) would you like to see as I add to my content schedule here over the summer? Please comment or reply to the email. 💜